The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Engagement Party From…WTF?

This week brought us a hearty dose of WTF. There was plastic surgery, mermaids, the splits, and even a dead person. And to tell you the truth, that’s just scratching the surface. Bravo hasn’t packed this much weirdness into a single episode since Alison Dubois’ Dinner Party From Hell.

First we watch as Ms. Vanderpump rides around Bev Hills making phone calls to all of her friends and enemies. She’s inviting them all to Pandora’s engagement party, and Taylor is on the list. Her husband Russell, however, is not. Apparently Muhammad (the host of the party) and Russell have a sordid past. I can only assume it has something to do with money, but we aren’t given any details. Taylor does’t mind though. She’ll gladly go to the party, even if it is hosted by a guy who hates her husband. Hmmm…..

Mauricio’s mom goes to Dr Paul Nassif to get herself a face lift. Kyle is understandably apprehensive about this, because she has “seen beautiful women turn into cat ladies” due to plastic surgery. Why do I have a feeling that she’s referring to Dr Pauls own wife, Adrienne?

During the surgery, Paul makes a call to Marky Mark and attempts to crack some lame jokes. Who does he call when he performs a routine vagioplasty? Jordan Knight?

It’s now time for Russell’s season 2 debut. Taylor invites Kyle and Mauricio over for dinner, and after some painfully awkward and boring conversation, Russell brings up an article from US magazine that states that he and Taylor are separated. He assumes that Lisa, who is friendly with an editor as US, gave the magazine the story. Kyle is visibly uncomfortable as Russell talks about filing a law suit against Lisa. For a guy who was so upset about how awful he looked on the show last season, he certainly didn’t do much to change his douchetastic behavior for season 2.

Before I get to Pandora’s ridiculous engagement party, let’s talk about Kim.

Kim has a secret that she’s been keeping from everyone for a whole year. She’s been seeing a man, and seems really in love. We watch her lovingly toy with this mystery mans watch while showering him with sincere compliments. Clearly she’s found real happiness with this stud. So why the big secret?

Oh. Yeah, I get it now. Shit like that typically belongs under a bridge, not under your dress. But seriously, who would have thought that Kim would end up dating Tom Sizemore? It makes sense though. They likely frequent the same rehab centers and AA meetings. But I’ll give her credit. Kim looked really good in this scene and was seemingly sober. So maybe Troll Sizemore aint so bad for her after all.

Now onto the most idiotic “engagement party” I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s a Moroccan theme going on, and there are belly dancers, snakes, camels, and…mermaids inhabiting the place. Wtf does a mermaid have to do with Morocco? And how fucking stupid did she look doing the worm in front of that pool? It might have been sort of cool if she was basking in a fountain or some shit, but this was just plain old foolish.

What was also foolish was Kyle deciding to do the splits on a table.

Even more foolish? Taylor attempting to one up her by doing some kind of bootleg figure skating pose, which caused her skeletal vagina to be exposed to all of the other guests.

My favorite circus act at the party though, was the freak who slid down the banister. It was the bedazzled version of Linda Blair doing the backwards crab walk in The Exorcist. Brilliant!

What the fuck did any of this shit have to do with an engagement though?
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21 responses to “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Engagement Party From…WTF?”

  1. BravoTVLover says :

    Testing…

  2. BravoTVLover says :

    Yay Miss A! The banister slide was the funniest thing to me- the editors had a blast with that one- let me tell you. I laughed out loud at Taylor being afraid of the snake and then saying “Camel” so freakin’ funny. I loved the surprising oddness of this episode for sure. Kyle was wasted ( I hope) for doing the splits on the table and becoming the focal point of a major engagement party at a $60 million dollar mansion. Taylor and her leg scale was so out of place. Thank you Camille for not busting a stripper move in the Morrocan room. Seeing Russell had no place in this episode except foreshadowing.

    Did ya’ll watch Atlanta?

    • missanthrope1 says :

      I caught up on ATL this morning. I would LOVE if someone else wanted to do the ATL recaps because I find the show really boring and I honestly don’t even know where to start with all their “boughetto” antics.

      So…anyone interested?

      • Vonya says :

        Great Job (again) Miss A!

        You and I absolutely have the SAME first impression of the creepy Sizemore look-a-like! (Back when he was still a frequent flier in ole Heidi Fliess’…..book.) Tom, I mean Ken, “Kims’ Ken” (there are gonna be TOO many Ken’s now……I’m confusing myself, shit!) needs to head over to Adrienne’s home spa (as if her body guards would let him in) to get a major overhaul! I’ve seen better skin and grooming on stray cats! But, I bet he’d get along very well with SlobbyJoe Screwdice!

        That freak-show party was a really terrifying example of how easily the super-rich can bring their nightmarish, creepy fantasies to life and PROOF POSITIVE that they fly their freak flags WAY too high for me! If that’s how they celebrate an engagement in BH, I’ll be hosting mine (IF there ever is one) somewhere near Bumfuck, TX! Ya know, where more NORMAL people party! That mermaid was just ridiculous–as if delivering her “I’m a mermaid…….I’m a mermaid….” line while convulsing on the damned concrete was some exercise in Method acting! I hope ole Mohammad paid her in cock-le shells cuz she was a FLOP!! I still think the tattoo “artist” was a JOKE! I’d have kicked his ass him for splattering paint on me in my fancy party dress!

        If you really want help with ATL, let me know. (And I promise I’ll TRY not to use “baayyuummm” and/or “bloop-bloop” at ALL costs cuz that shit annoys the HELL out of me!) Thanks for the place to snark and yap about the shows!! I look forward to tonight’s recap……. Keep ‘em coming!

  3. BravoTVLover says :

    If Vonya can’t do ATL or no one else wants to, I can.

  4. Tracey with a E says :

    Road trip! I love our new temporary digs! Great recap!

  5. Tuzentswurth says :

    “Shit like that typically belongs under a bridge, not under your dress. ” LOL My thoughts exactly! Thanks for the great recap Miss A.
    The mermaid! omg. She should have lounged graciously poolside and kept her mouth shut. For some odd stereotypical reason I always picture mermaids as young, attractive and mentally stable. Next I expect to see a sway-backed, aged unicorn, head hung low in bad need of a hoof trimming. Very sad indeed but the look exchanged between Camille and robot girl was funny when they saw the mer-matron.
    Atlanta and NJ don’t hold any interest for me and I watch them only so I appreciate the recaps, OC sucks too. NY and BH are my favorites,…. sort of like I’d rather go to the Dr for a throat culture than a pap smear kind of way.

    • missanthrope1 says :

      LOL. I love NJ but yeah, OC and ATL are shows I only watch out of necessity.

      Did anyone watch WWHL? I only watched the first couple minutes because I was completely shocked and distracted by Mathew Brodericks face. I’m sorry, but men should just not botox, and especially not to that degree. Also, I *hate* when people speculate about others’ sexuality, but let’s call a spade a spade. Simon Van Kempen looks macho compared to him. And did Andy make a trip to “Sizzle Tan”?. He looks like a glass of Tang.

      • Tracy without an E says :

        Yeah…normally I love Matthew Broderick, but his face kinda skeered me a little on WWHL. And like why do hetero guys watch RH shows anyway?! I mean, Mark Conseulos can get away with it cuz he and Kelly Ripa watch it together and snark and laugh. One might assume that MB and SJP watch together, but wouldn’t it have been funnier if they were on together then? But to your point, Miss, YES Simon Van Campen is freakin Jason Statham compared to Matthew Broderick.
        And not that this is the point, but I am so annoyed by all things Sarah Jessica Parker. I’m sorry, but she’ll always be that nerd from “Square Pegs” to me. No amount of Manolo Blahniks or Chanel is gonna change that….(Obviously repeated reruns of SATC is not doing me any good. That or I’m an Aidan fan.)

        • missanthrope1 says :

          Sarah Jessica doesn’t bother me as an actress, but as a human being she is soooooo fuckin’ annoying! Take every last over the top annoyingly cutesy thing Carrie Bradshaw ever did or said on SATC and the real life SJP tops it in a 30 second interview. That coy act that she puts on makes me itch. I do love that she’s natural looking though and I love her style.

          I think the fact that Matthew Broderick is married to her doesn’t do his gayness any favors. If there was ever a woman who had BEARD written all over her, it’s Sarah Jessica.

          • Tracy without an E says :

            Yes, yes, and yes. And why we’re bitchin about actresses we love, but the real women we do not; might I add Julia Roberts to that list. I used to really like her…until I saw her her Letterman. Or Oprah. Or Leno. She is so irritatingly grating. And now she’s a fuckin Gwyneth. All organic, and cloth diapers, and GOOP-y, blah blah blah. She lost me forever when she said she’d taken up sewing clothes since she’d become a mother. Oprah (who also irritates the shit out of me) was all, oh really Juuuliaaa, why ever for? And Julia’s all, oh well you know how hard it is in this economy.
            I mean really, Seth? Fuck her.

            • missanthrope1 says :

              Oh man, I’m so glad someone else can’t stand Oprah. She’s the most self serving person in showbiz, yet everyone insists on pretending she’s some sort of saint. Even that fucked up school she had going on in Africa got swept right under the rug because she’s “Oprah”. And when she gave those cars away…I mean, yeah, that’s nice and all. But she’s worth about a billion dollars. Her giving those cars away was the equivalent of me giving a bum a dollar…only I get no glory from it. Fuck Oprah.

              And while we’re at it- fuck Barbara Walters too. I despise that crabby old bitch.

    • Need a Hobby says :

      I haven’t been following the Real Hillbillies of Beverly Hills. But these recaps may convince me to watch that insanity.

      “Shit like that typically belongs under a bridge, not under your dress. ” Had me howling with laughter.

      Good to see the snark is alive and well. :D

  6. Tracy without an E says :

    Apparently I’ve forgotten how to spell since RHONY was on. Or I’m a sucky typist. Y’all know what I meant. ;)

  7. TT in OC says :

    Thanks Miss A for doing this. I have to admit that I have not been watching BH this season although I kept checking in to see is RCH is back. Well, I just add your blog to my “favorite bar” next to my favorite crack house.

  8. Tuzentswurth says :

    Hey try to keep up , it’s Wednesday already. Feed my addiction. LOL. You have created another monster, soon Miss A you will be hiding from us too.

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