In the meantime…

Let us discuss RHONJ while RCH gets the old site together.

Because, quite frankly, I cannot keep my thoughts to myself (or to 120 characters…or whatever the fuck twitter is limited to).

Home Is Where the Snark Is

I wanted to let you guys know that I heard from RCH a few days ago. She really is just enjoying her life and the weather and has gotten a little burnt out on blogging and the housewives in general. She’s fine though, so we have no reason to worry about her :) In fact, we should probably be jealous because she actually has a life. Hah. But she feels bad for not being around and I still have hope that she’ll return eventually. How long can one really resist the urge to snark on the housewives?

She did give me a login for RealityCrackhouse though, so we can move back on home for our shit talking and recapping. All future recaps will be posted over there, including the recap for Sundays RHOBH episode. I haven’t gotten around to writing it yet because I’ve been working on something else and my primary internet connection (the fast one…) has been down ALL FUCKING DAY. So hopefully I get to that tomorrow or it’ll end up having to wait til Friday.

Anyway, enough of my bullshit. We can go home now! 

Ps- BravoTvLover, I have sent you a DM on twitter :)

Papa Smurf almost throws down at Kim’s baby shower

This episode started out with Sheree visiting her construction site for Chateau Sheree an 8,000 square foot house she is building in Atlanta complete with skating rink, lounge and ballroom.  Did anyone else wonder if she paid up front?  From her past foreclosures and repos, her contractor need  to get the money up front.  This construction may take A LOT longer than 8 months boo- money goes real fast in construction.   

Onto Phaedra and Apollo….Baby Ayden is the most adorable little Bravo baby. (sorry Bryn)  He is absolutely gorgeous and I just want to play with him.  Phaedra is a great mom and Apollo is a grumpy old convict.  So Apollo, you got pulled over by the cops, you were forced to the ground with a pistol to your head and everyone blogged about it- who cares?

At least you have that ugly goatee/soul patch goin on and that perfectly coiffed cartoon hair Apollo.  Don’t be so pissy and blame Phaedra for your strife.  I wonder if Apollo was an only child?  Just a theory…

Leon comes to town to see his daughter and he, Cynthia and Peter have a grown up moment and can all be in the same room for the sake of Noel.

Hey, Kelsey Grammer- are you watching?  This is how this should be done you stupid fool.  This is how I do it all the time.  You have to talk to your ex-wife to co-parent your kids you insensitive selfish prick.  You may not like your ex, but get it together and make it friendly.  You are in each other’s lives forever.

Good for Leon, Cynthia and Peter for genuinely caring for each other despite the fact that they have all slept together in some weird sort of way.  Anyone else get disgusted when Peter was cooking?  I just kept wondering if he washed his hands.

Also, there were take out containers in their pantry- was Peter really cooking?  The mysteries of reality television.

In a perfectly staged moment, Nene asks Brentt if he is happy that he has two households to visit now. 

That is a loaded question.  I don’t know a kid that would ever volunteer to bounce between their mom and dad.  Here’s some advice Nene, Greg needs to have everything Brentt needs at his house too-clothes, toothbrush, brush, etc… so Brentt never has to pack a bag.  Psychologically it is easier on the kids.  I am stickler on this point with my daughter and have even contributed money to my ex so that he can supply everything my daughter needs at his house without a bag.

On another note, a poster on another blog 2 weeks ago mentioned that Brentt wears USPA (fake Ralph Lauren Polo) shirts on the show and if Nene was as rich as she proclaims, he would have the real thing….

Nene and Greg are also great role models on how to co-parent. 

I feel that Nene still loves Greg, but he did something really, really bad and she cannot let herself take him back.  There was some definite flirting going on.    Did ya’ll see Playa?  That dog is so cute- I’ve been wondering where he was.  I asked Nene on twitter where her dog “Killah” was and someone tweeted back to me that it was “Playa”  whatever- it’s not Giggy so I couldn’t remember. Too bad Bravo didn’t have more pics up after I wrote the blog.  Sorry, I’ll have to track down a photo of Playa.

Moving on,  Kandi comes out of the sex shop long enough to visit a baby shop and peruse the hooter hiders and nipple creams that Kim will be needing. (sounds like my Saturday night)  Kandi plays around with a monkey and a giraffe moose and plays “Kim/Monkey and Nene/Moose”  Okay, we get it- Nene and Kim don’t speak and don’t interact- we don’t need to relive it every episode.   Kandi and Phaedra catch up about all the ladies and we learn that Peter said some negative things about Phaedra and Sheree in an issue of Uptown Magazine.   Phaedra then calls Peter Papa Smurf because he’s an old man with so many kids.  Peter should not be giving interviews about his wife’s co-stars.  Who does Papa Smurf think he is….Simon VanKempen?  I guess it was his way of dishing it out to Phaedra saying last season that Peter isn’t a “clean” man with all his baby mamas.

Kim preps for her baby shower and I absolutely LOVE Kroy.  He loves those girls- He painted Ariana’s fingernails, awww…. He is such a great guy.  Brielle has really blossomed into a beautiful young lady.  Rolling out the red carpet for the baby shower, it looks like a great affair.  Kim’s maternity photos are hideously slutty.   Then, this one doesn’t even look like Kim. 

The retoucher went a little too far, dontcha think?

Brielle gives a sweet, touching speech about loving Kroy like her dad and even throws a joke in there about Kroy knocking up her mom.

Then in one of the most awkward moments in RHOA history.  Kim’s dad comes up to Phaedra and gives her a two minute pitch on his services in running law offices.  He hands Phaedra his card and asks her to give him a chance.  Really, at your daughter’s baby shower?  Now we know where Kim gets her fame-whoring ways.

This man done lost his ever-lovin’ mind….

Five hours later Cynthia and Peter arrive at the end of the baby shower.  Who has a five hour baby shower?  Even Bravo’s cameras couldn’t hang that long and it looks like some amateur starting shooting the show because the cameras got all fuzzy and the quality of the video was about the same as a cell phone.  The footage was not broadcast quality at all and I’m surprised that their quality department allowed it, but since it is drama at a children’s event, Bravo put it in.  Anyway…Peter sits next to Apollo who is pissed about what Peter said about Phaedra in Uptown Magazine.  Things are awkward and then Phaedra (thank you) asks Peter why he doesn’t like her and Peter brushes it off.  Apollo is furiously trying to start a fire with his hands in aggravation and Peter tells him just to say what he needs to say…. Yada yada yada… a lot of repeating stupid phrases like “my money is up” “I got it” then they stand up and get in each other’s faces, the cops linger from a far and everyone goes home.

Kim, who was in the bathroom during the exchange, finds out about the almost fight and is pissed and crying because of her almost baby brawl.  This was not that dramatic for all the teasers Bravo threw at us AND it was nothing like the Gorga Christening (Thank God) so it is a pathetic attempt to throw in some drama because I could truly care less about Apollo and Peter.

This episode was not worth this recap and was quite boring.  Real Housewives of Atlanta needs some new blood.  There are some mega-mansions in ATL and some very, very rich bitches- where are they?  The most fabulous of the housewives’ houses is Nene’s rental and it isn’t even furnished completely.  Kim’s new house is supposed to be pretty awesome and Chateau Sheree sounds nice but how is this show the highest rated of the Housewives franchise?  The two main stars, Kim and Nene, aren’t even speaking anymore. To make this show interesting again- next season Bravo needs to fire Sheree, cast a cute rich blonde and makes her best friends with Nene.  Then, Kim will crawl back to Nene and fight with the newbie.

Did anyone watch it?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Yet Another (tea)Party From Hell

This episode made last years finale look pale in comparison. I’ve written the recap in the same way that I did the others, but wrote my thoughts on some of the more somber aspects of the show at the very end.

Anyway, here goes…

This frustrating episode begins with Kyle meeting Kim’s boyfriend for the first second time. He’s wearing what appears to be a wedding ring, and when Kyle questions him about it he explains that it’s actually a “promise ring” that was given to him by Kim. Kim is quick to point out that they are neither married or engaged though. But that doesn’t stop Kyle from excusing herself to go and cry some more.

Taylor is being awarded for something. I’m not quite sure what. All of the girls were invited to the event except Lisa. And in a very contrived scene, Kyle spills the beans about the event to Lisa over the phone as she tries to locate the ladies at the venue. Lisa feigns shock while Kyle feigns embarrassment at having accidentally on purpose told Lisa where she was. Oopsie!

The ladies are all sat together at the award ceremony/whatever the fuck you call it and they discuss Taylor’s reasons for deciding not to invite Lisa. Taylor says that she is sick of Lisa wrapping everything up in sarcasm and that this was an event that she wanted to be positive and free of that kind of shit. Fair enough, taylor. Fair enough.

Adrienne agrees with Taylor and actually got a bit of a dig in by asking Kyle if Lisa had made a snide remark when she found out that she wasn’t invited. I knew I liked Adrienne for a reason.

Lisa talks about how hurtful the snub was with her husband, Ken. But she vows to get her revenge by “playing the game”. Whatever the fuck that means…

Lisa decides to throw a tea party which will serve as the arena for her showdown with Taylor over not being invited  her event.

Isn’t Lisa just SO British, btw?! The tea, the sarcasm, the old English husband who is too British to go to therapy. If you look close enough you can almost see the Union Jack beneath the pale flesh of her bosom. She is THAT British!  I mean, it’s almost as if she’s playing a caricature of a hoity toity English lady…

Anyway, tea time was far less spectacular than I expected. After that ridiculous shit show that she called her daughters engagement party, I’d have thought that Johnny Depp dressed as the Mad Hatter would have been serving the cucumber sandwiches. Instead, Lisa kept it simple with a table full of bite-sized deserts and a couple of vases full of her signature pink roses- because every English rose needs an indoor rose garden for tea time.

Kyle, Adrienne and Camille arrive and start to make small talk while they wait for Taylor to arrive. Lisa mentions that Russell sent her yet another bizarre email. This time it is simply a link to a tabloid article where Taylor confesses to using diet pills. The other ladies say that they too received the same email. None of them understand why he would send it or why Taylor would ever use diet pills.

Taylor arrives and like all housewives get-togethers, this one goes from average to full-blown shit show within seconds with one single shit stirring comment. Naturally, said comment comes from Lisa and is made toward Taylor.

“Sooooo…I heard you had an event recently” she says.

Taylor is already visibly irritated by Lisa’s comment and explains to her that she wasn’t invited because she’s always quick to say that she’s not her friend. Again, fair enough, Taylor. Lisa is not going to accept that though and insists that she has never said such a thing. Hmmm….not quite true, Lisa. She also wonders why, if she is bothered by Lisa not being her friend, why she would show up to Lisa’s tea party. Good point. Taylor says that she came because she was invited and would like to be Lisa’s friend even though Lisa is clearly not interested.

And this is when it really goes to shit.

The two go back and forth about whether or not Lisa ever said she wasn’t her friend, why she said it, how she said it, and Taylor goes from irritated to angry to straight up unhinged. She’s flailing her arms, yelling, crying, and feeling very very sorry for herself while at the same time trying very very hard to crucify Lisa. And it goes on this way for far too long.

Lisa ultimately apologizes for hurting Taylor’s feelings and tries to explain to her that she was only trying to let her know that she was there for her if she needed help. And to be fair, this was a good response. But Taylor is obviously out for blood at this point and cannot stop herself from continuing the bullshit by yelling and crying and talking about what a victim she is. She even attempts to get the other ladies involved by demanding that they all air their grievances about Lisa. None of them take the bait so she storms out in a rage.

Outside, Taylor meets up with Dr Paul, who for some weird reason is standing at the locked gate. They talk about how nobody likes Lisa and Dr Paul mentions something about Kyle talking shit about her pretty often. No surprise there. He then checks out Taylor’s newly botoxed cheeks and they discuss how happy she is with the results. Odd…

Meanwhile, back inside at Lisa’s tea party, the ladies start talking about the things Taylor has told them about Russell abusing her. They all doubt the validity of her claims and one particular comment from Camille is pretty suspect. She says that Taylor told her that Russell was going to leave her and 10 minutes later she was talking about jetting off with him someplace. Russell leaving Taylor? Interesting.

Taylor returns to the tea party because paul apparently needs something from Adrienne (yeah, right) and the ladies convince her to sit down and talk things out. Only the subject is no longer Taylor vs Lisa- it’s now Taylor vs Russell.  Kyle tries to cushion the fall by explaining that she doesn’t know whether Taylor is being truthful because she’s never seen Russell abuse her with her own eyes. Camille, however, is less friendly with her approach.

“We’ve all been protecting YOU! Protecting you from the things you SAID about your marriage. Because we don’t say he hits you or broke your jaw! But now we have!” she yells as Taylor sits stone faced.

The episode ends there and apparently picks right back up where they left it next week.

 —-The following is not necessarily part of the recap and will likely be unpopular, but it’s what I think so…fuck it. —-

Okay, i feel like I need to discuss Taylor’s alleged abuse, because as someone who has experienced abuse first hand, it would almost be irresponsible if I didn’t. It’s a big deal, and I realize there are many people who don’t understand the psyche of an abused person.

Do I believe that Taylor was abused? Yes. I actually don’t have a single doubt about it, even in the wake of this episode where we learn some things that don’t quite make sense.

Firstly, I do recognize that Taylor’s a severe manipulator. She did her fair share of it in this episode by screaming about how hard her life is every 10 seconds. She was absolutely trying to manipulate all of the girls into feeling sorry for her. But Taylor hasn’t manipulated me. i don’t believe that Russell beat Taylor because Taylor said so. I believe less than 10% of everything that chick says. I believe Russell beat Taylor because Russell not only exhibited many qualities of an abuser last season, but he also has a history of abusing women (and children) and he admitted that he at the very least pushed her around. Throw a photo in there of Taylor’s face being so smashed up that her actual eyeball is clearly dislodged and you have me convinced. The proof does not lie with Taylor. It lies with a man who had a past that speaks for itself- the type of past that men who respect women and their bodies generally do not possess.

I also think that Taylor is someone who grew accustomed to victimhood and uses it to garner attention, sympathy, and adoration. It’s her main tool for manipulation. Is that despicable? Yeah, possibly. But I understand it. When you are abused you do tend to use your pain as a way to get what you need.

I get it though. I really do. The woman is a liar and a manipulator. She will probably always be a liar and a manipulator. So I understand people being unwilling to accept a story that even her own friends feel is flawed. But again, it’s not her “story” that we should be looking at at this point.

The other ladies of BH kept repeating the same question: Why, if Russell was so bad to Taylor, did she continue to stay with him and suffer the abuse? I’ve seen many many MANY viewers ask that same question. The answer to that is incredibly simple though. Abuse never starts with physical violence. An abuser manipulates and guilts their victim usually long before violence ever begins. So by the time a man is breaking his wives jaw, she’s completely co-dependent and has not a shred of self esteem that would otherwise enable her to tell him to fuck off. The fact that Taylor stayed is not unique. It’s the standard. And people should never assume that a woman is lying about abuse simply because she stays.

I don’t expect to change anyones mind about this. If you think Taylor is lying then that’s your right. But I do urge everyone to forget for a moment that Taylor is an unlikable person and look at just the facts about abuse in general, and Russell’s documented past.

The Thought: Nene’s coochie done burnt up

 

 

 

I overslept this morning so I am convinced that my brain needed to recharge and reset after last night’s Real Housewives of Atlanta.  To say that it was a great episode  (by that I mean completely out of the realm of normal) is an understatement. Bravo has this strange ability to make out of the ordinary things seem perfectly acceptable. I was even thinking that it makes perfect sense for Phaedra to open a funeral home at one point- WHAT? No, that isn’t normal- I’m easily persuaded I guess. LOL.

Onto the episode:

 

Nene and Cynthia decided to take advantage of a free trip from Bravo and invite Kandi to join them on a quick trip away from “Haterville” by jetting off to Miami for a few days.  Flashbacks remind us of the epically awesome fight between Kim and Nene in Miami from last season.

 

I will admit that Nene is the star of the show, but her attitude SUCKS. I love some Nene, but let’s not let every word drive you to outrage and violence.  Bravo does a fine job of zooming in on Nene’s “Red-Bottoms” or Louboutins as RHOBH knows them, because she is very, very rich bitch.  The ladies change into flat sandals and explore a little MIA and Kandi and Cynthia let Nene play pretend and tour a $9 million dollar home. Um, unless Nene is stripping again, she can’t afford a $9 million dollar house.  Ain’t no way baby.  She doesn’t have furniture in the house she’s in.  Bravo has to stage and shoot around the empty rooms in her leased house in ATL as it is.

 

Onto the real conversation that has me scarred.  Kandi tells Nene that she needs a bullet (i.e. a small vibrator) to put down there while she’s looking for a new man.  Nene tells us that she believes that her coochie will done burnt up if she uses a little electric boogie-woogie.  Then, the talk of kissing “both lips” comes up.  Nene tells us that she has had men that were bad kissers but great….eaters.  Thanks Bravo. I just had a mental image of Nene that can’t  be erased.  I hope her sons don’t watch. I don’t think I could talk to my mom again if she said that on TV. WTH? The thought of Nene in any bedroom situation is too much for me.

 

 

 

Can you imagine Nene and her new Familigia Pizza dude in a bathtub scene?  I would start a class action suit against Bravo.

Moving on to something more comforting, Phaedra planning boughetto fabulous funerals.  Now, you can have your loved ones crowned with roses and adorned with fake eyelashes and crystals in the afterlife.

If I lived in Atlanta and a loved one died, I would insist that Phaedra plan the funeral just for giggles.  My 98 year old grandmother deserves a makeover by Phaedra.  Ya’ll know that I live in the South and I have been in the church since I was born. I have never, ever seen a prayer cloth to cover your legs in church.  Phaedra is just Miss Prepared to have it with her at all times.  Apollo is not feeling the funeral home business and it is fairly obvious that this marriage is on the outs.  I think Apollo feels emasculated by Phaedra and he has an ego for days, so those two don’t mesh. 

 

Sheree takes her son to Play It Again sports to buy some football cleats.  Don’t get me wrong, we shop there all the time, but I don’t spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on myself and then buy my kids discount shoes.  I get the feeling that Sheree is the type of baby mama that spends the child support on herself while her kids wear clothes too small for them and are in need of a good bath.  I know that she has issues with collecting child support, but she did receive hefty sums from her ex so she can afford buying her son something other than a white t-shirt to wear-especially on camera.  Keep it balanced, boo.

Kim has a birthday and Kroy is the best boyfriend ever to buy her a hideous $22,000 bracelet that she will wear like 4 times a year. Seriously, that bracelet wasn’t that fabulous.  Maybe she should have saved that money for a NEW wedding dress.  Kroy seems like a down to earth, happy, loving guy. I hope it works because her daughters deserve a father.  Somehow, I think it will.

I think Kim is fun crazy, not crazy-crazy and she definitely builds Kroy up and is thankful for him in her life.  She does NOT look 33.  Don’t you want to see Kim’s real hair?  The wigs are just ridiculous-they look fake, they look awful.  It has to be hot to wear those all the time and wouldn’t your head hurt and be sore from carrying someone else’s hair around?  Weaves look so much more natural and that’s why she looks so much older than she is.

Next week, Apollo and Peter Thomas get into at a baby shower.  Seriously?  What is up with the drama at events to honor children Bravo?

 

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